My Deepest Wish
[The Sealed Packet]
Right now – at this very moment, I can honestly say that what I wish more than anything in the whole world and with all my heart, selfish as it may be, is that my son would NOT have to go to war AGAIN. To deliberately go and put his life in jeopardy, goes against every grain of living breathing moral consciousness I have and it makes me sick. I keep saying over and over “I don’t want him to go – please somebody stop him. Please God – can’t YOU do anything to make this horrible deliberate action of insanity, go away? ”
This is the fourth time for him to go to war, so I have been through this before and I HATE it! Last night he gave me the ’sealed packet’ that he was required to put together – all his important records that they (the military) require of him to fill out and his ‘will’ stating everything he owns, if something should happen to him (and we all know what that means) will be ‘willed’ to me. It gives me a huge lump in my throat just thinking about it as I take the sealed packet. He hasn’t said it, but I know there is the ‘letter ‘ in there also – the one that is from him to me that I can read only if he doesn’t come home. I hate accepting the packet and knowing he will be putting his life on the line once again. I try not to show all the emotion I’m feeling and he tells me in as casual a way as he can – but I can tell he waited and prepared for this moment. He feels the heaviness of what is in the sealed packet and I feel it too. I am instructed to put it in a safe place and a place I will remember. “Some people tape it to the back of the freezer section of their refrigerator,” he tells me, “in case the house burns down it is less likely to catch fire there.” But he tells me it is up to me to put it anywhere I choose as long as I understand the importance of its contents and know where it is at all times. I thank him and smile but then that night; it’s hard to hold back the tears let alone go to sleep, just knowing that I HAVE TO accept the possibility of ever needing to open that sealed packet. I want to bury it and never have to look at it ever. Pretend it doesn’t exist.
Then too, the packet reminds me of the past, what I’ve been through before and I don’t LIKE being reminded.
When the time comes for him to leave, I have to be as courageous as he, because you don’t want him to remember you crying, even though the pain is searing and it’s hard to keep back the tears or possibly shaking. You hug and kiss him, wishing and wanting to never let go but you have to and finally you do. Then he bravely walks away and goes his-way and you turn and go yours but from that time forward, your life is not anywhere near normal to any degree. You carry his burden with you and the burden of all fighting soldiers on your shoulders and in your heart. You feel the weight of the word “freedom” and wonder “why” ALL Americans don’t feel it too. A dark cloud comes over you and follows you wherever you go. You will not be able to laugh again until you see his face again; it’s even hard to smile. The light has gone out, the music in the background has stopped but you go through the motions of everyday life anyway. There is no reason to wear your pierced earrings or makeup now. Everyday life seems hollow. You can’t watch television much for everything you look at becomes increasingly “STUPID”. You want to watch the news at times but it is just too close to home when they talk about the war and any more, what news is ‘good’ news anyway. There is nothing you care to hear. Most nights you aren’t able to sleep – you lay on your bed just wondering; ”Where is he?, Is he OK?, Does he need anything?” – and – your mind doesn’t quit. It just goes on and on through the night sometimes till dawn. The only thing I know to do to help the time pass is work as alone as I can, exercise regularly, talk to good friends who understand where you are coming from (and that’s very few), and pray. I pray a lot! “God, PLEASE watch over my son, he’s your son too who loves you and is right now fighting for his country. PLEASE send your angels to guard and protect him. All things are in YOUR power and I pray for his safe return home. Help others to know YOU and for everyone to want and work for love of one another and world peace. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.”
AND deep down I do understand and have to ask myself – - –
BUT who WILL defend our country so others can have the freedom of laughter? Who will stand up for what’s right so our country is not invaded with wrong? Who has the courage to fight? Who will be brave enough that they are willing to die for their country? Who will deny themselves the right to question “why” and simply step forward, trusting their military superiors that they have ALL the information needed and therefore make intelligent decisions? Who will follow commands even when they know it leads to death?.
Will YOU? Would I? So easy to say “Well, I don’t believe in killing” so you let somebody else do it for you. (for it has to be done by somebody for us to keep our freedom that we so naively take for granted)
So easy to go about your own life filled with family and friends at church, celebrations, parties or family reunions.
So easy to forget all the lives who have already died so that you might LIVE – in FREEDOM!
I am reminded of God’s ultimate of sacrifices – His Son.
May our roots of caring go deep – THAT deep.
May our hearts and minds be attentive to truth – God’s truth.
May we never forget. May we live in appreciation and then in hope. May we worship our GOD who cares and controls – even in time of war.
(But does it change my feelings now?
NO, – I STILL wish more than anything, that my son did NOT have to go to war.)
